Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Sure, I'll take some cheese...

to go with my whine. I think it's the desire of the universe to kick my ass into the ability to stop trying to be included in everyone's lives. I mean, I absolutely hate feeling excluded, yet it seems to happen all the time. Or at least I'm perceiving that it's happening. My mom always talked when I was little about not having anyone feel "left out," but I seem destined to be left out, or, as I mentioned above, to at least think I'm being left out, whether or not I really am.

Now, this is kind of stupid. OF COURSE people get left out. You simply cannot include everyone in everything. The sick thing is, too, that sometimes I actually like leaving other people out. Then it feels like I have the power, you see. All those people who left me out....bah! I can control who gets in or who gets to be out when I'm in charge. You may think this makes me sound like a supreme bitch. Well, it does make me sound that way, but I don't think I am. I think that I just have a lot of issues around this particular area.

This also stems from my "score" on the Enneagram. You see, I am a
Four. This means that I like to be original; I like to be different; I like to be the inviter and also the invitee, but I also like to be able to say no. I would rather be invited to something and decline the invitation (or even admit that I never really wanted to go anyway) than not be invited. I want to be the special person, the one that everyone comes to to tell their new news. I want to be different, but I don't want to be so different that it causes me to be excluded. I want everyone to like me, but I want to be free to dislike other people. You see how this gets complicated.

So today just poked at this part of me, and also made me realize that sometimes it is difficult to be friends with co-workers...it is also especially difficult if there's more than one friend whose line is blurred with co-worker...increasingly more difficult if one of these friend/co-workers came before the other and you knew them each in different contexts and you thought you were special to each of them but now they seem more special to each other. Aaarrrgggghh! So frustrating. And yes, I am aware of how psycho-babbly I am right now, but hey, that's what blogs are for, right?

In other news, I taught the youth I work with at church to knit on Sunday night, and I heard from one of their moms that the kids are still knitting at home. Hurray! I love converting newbies to the knitting fever.

Well, enough of this rambling hoo-ha for tonight. I'll shut up now, but I can assure you I'll be back with more neuroses soon enough...


AngeliasKnitting said...

Oddly enough, I know where you're coming from...maybe I should do that Enneagram thing??? :o)

Jacquie said...

I need to do that enneagram thing too- and oh, I Sooo relate, but that's usual isn't it? I love ya Sarah, hope today is better than yesterday was... and I did start a real blog too- and I am not trying to steal your life- I swear!