What does a nervous breakdown entail, anyway?
My friend Kait and I used to say that sometimes you just need to have a good cry. Maybe that's what last night was all about. We had a meeting at church which "ended" (because it really wasn't supposed to end that way) with the chairperson yelling at the Senior Pastor, pointing his finger in the pastor's face and saying, "I'm done with you." And some extremely awkward, eventually laughable moments while he had to pack up his three or four cases of electronics stuff, all the while being extremely pissed off after having thrown his plate of "celebratory dessert" (because it was supposed to be a celebration of the staff of the church as well as a business meeting) across the table, scattering crumbs from his cheesecake everywhere. While we all just sat there. In silence. I kept thinking, somebody, DO SOMETHING! But I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I was just stunned.
Of course, I know that things like this happen in the church. Sometimes more often in the church than in the secular world, except that when they happen in the church everyone seems far more surprised, becaues of course, we're supposed to be nice to each other. (We don't like to remember Jesus turning over the tables in the temple, you know?)
But for some reason, the meeting last night really upset me. So much so that I thought I might cry. Then I did cry. Luckily not in the meeting. The only person who knows I cried is my husband. But I could hardly get out of the church fast enough because I just felt the tears coming.
I think it was just overtired-ness. We had just gotten back from the beach, which is way fun, but exhausting! Baby J loved the ocean, but he also loved everything he could reach, which included the phone in the apartment, the cable cords, the tableclothes, the toilet, the remote control, the bedspreads, etc. etc. etc. Very NOT-child-proofed.
Next time I go on vacation, I will also go on vacation the day afterwards. From the world. Seriously, I know it may sound like a bad mother thing for me to do, but I think the next time after we get back from vacation, I'm booking a spa day or at least a 1-hour massage all by myself. Or just a day of sleep alone in my house, although I can't sleep when I'm alone in the house, thinking, if I'm not working, where is Baby J?
So anyway, I think I was just at the end of my rope, and all day yesterday I just felt blah, and tired, and icky. So the argument was just enough to push me over the edge. My husband was calling when I got out to the car to ask WHERE IS THE FORMULA and I heard Baby J in the background SCREAMING his head off, wailing even, and I just had wanted to get home in time to nurse, but apparently it wasn't going to happen. So I'm hysterically crying, trying to explain where the formula is in the cupboard, my husband thinks something totally traumatic happened; he had a bad day at work so couldn't be much comfort, and when I finally explained why I was crying, he said, "That's it?" Which pissed me off, but really, he's right. That's it? That did it?
Am I headed for something worse, or did the crying clean me out? Maybe a nervous breakdown?